Starfish
by abetternameneeded
Summary: Wish!Hook is tormented by starfish washed ashore the memory of his own Starfish : Alice. T for angst


Killian walked along the shore. He heard the waves crash and the birds call. He let his boots touch the sand.

_Alice would love this,_ he thought, somewhat bitterly. Yes she would love it but he couldn't share it with her. He hadn't hugged her in years. Hadn't so much as seen her face in years. Her blue eyes. Her smile that was almost identical to his. He swore if it weren't for mirrors he would forget what it looked like. Hadn't so much as heard her voice. Or her laugh. The laugh that lit up his entire world. Their entire small one roomed tower. It was dark and made of stone; but her laugh would echo around the room and make him feel alive. Far more alive then he ever felt as a pirate. All of that was just a distant memory. A memory of better times. Life wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as it was now. He kept walking. He glanced over and saw a small starfish sitting on the shore. "A starfish?" he questioned quirking his eyebrow.

He picked up the starfish and sent them back into the water. "Be free," he said trying not to cry. He knew Alice was free now. But they couldn't be together. He wished he had never let Ahab get the better of him. Then maybe she wouldn't have been trapped for so long. Maybe they could still be together. He longed to hear her voice again. To see her smile again. To see her eyes looking back at him with the wonder she used to whenever he told her bedtime stories as she hung onto his every word. His little starfish. How he missed her. He walked away from the beach and back to the camp.

He walked along the beach again. Filled with self pity. Henry Mills had offered to accompany on his walk but there was only one person he wanted as company during one of his walks. And she was in Wonderland, last he heard. Who knew what sort of trouble she would get into there? Who knew if that was even where she was anymore? He prayed to the gods that she was safe. And somewhere close to happy. He hadn't heard her voice in so long. Would he forget it? Or would it echo in the back of his mind forever replaying her cries after he had made the worst mistake of his life? Both scared him. All he wanted was to hear her laugh. See her face light up the way it always had when she was young. And so he walked along the beach begging the gods that be to protect his little Alice. his starfish. He looked at the ground. _Another starfish?_

He picked it up and released them back into the ocean. He wondered if Alice had ever seen a starfish. He knows it would have made her happy to see one. He knows she would do the right thing and gently pick them up and put them back where they belong. She wouldn't watch them be trapped on the shore. He could almost imagine her standing next to him. He felt a pang in his heart. He looked around. Was she around? He sighed. She couldn't be around. The pain was too weak. Too different. He would go through far worse pain than he had the last time he'd seen her just to see her again. But he couldn't do that to her. Couldn't let her kill him. What good would he be to her dead? He walked and walked until some of the pain was gone and then he walked back to the camp.

Yet again he walked along the shore, thinking about Alice. Was she eating okay? Sleeping well? What should he worry about? Was she adjusted to freedom yet? He was terrified. He thought he'd have more time to teach her about the world before he'd ever have to leave her alone. She was still bloody trapped for seven more years when he'd left. Had the world changed from what he'd told her? Was she too nice? Too scared? Too naive? He walked trying to make the worry for Alice's safety go away. He couldn't do anything about it. He prayed to the gods again to keep her safe. He looked down and saw it. another starfish?

He set the creature back into the ocean. He starts to think someone is doing this on purpose. Trying to hurt him by reminding him constantly of all that he lost with his one near fatal mistake. He walks back to the camp and sighs. Maybe he won't go back to the ocean? It hurts to see the starfish. But he goes back. And every time he walks there is a starfish washed ashore.

He keeps walking along the beach, almost once a week. He walks and he thinks about Alice. He wonders if she still plays chess. He wonders if she still plays with her stuffed toys. He wonders if she still enjoys tea parties. If she is even close to happy. He hears her voice echo in his head. He doesn't want to hear her cries of pain but he listen to the echos. Because he knows his memory of her voice is starting to can only vaguely remember what it sounds like to hear her call him papa. He can't remember the sound of her laughter. Or most of her voice. And so he walks along the beach and he releases starfish. He starts to talk to them sometimes. At least he can have some starfish even if they're never the right ones.


End file.
